I have always been ashamed of my past mistakes and shortcomings for fear that I would be looked down upon and considered worthless. Now I realize that through sharing about my faults through testimonies, i am able to help someone who may be going through the same thing and also I am able to release it and the enemy can no longer hold it over my head. I have realized that the enemy just wants us to dwell on our past because if he can keep us in bondage, we will not walk in our full potential in Christ Jesus.
In undergrad is where I let my guard down and made poor choices morally. If you really knew me in high school, you would know that I had very high standards and morals and vowed that I would never have sex before marriage. I dated one guy briefly in high school and the only thing we did was hold hands…we did not even kiss! I had the mindset that if I could not do it in front of my dad, then I should not be doing it at all. My parents did not have to worry about what I was doing on prom night either because the could trust me. I even went to our after prom party at the YMCA and my date dropped me off around 3 am. I was a virgin before prom and I was a virgin when I got dropped off!
Then I went to college and started hanging around people who claimed to be Christians but their choices were contradictory. I begin to feel left out in certain areas because of the wise choices I had made…but they did not feel wise. I started loving the world more than I loved God. I started partying and drinking and began to think that if you were in a relationship with someone then they have the same privileges to you as a husband/wife does (NEGATIVE!!).
After a while I begin to feel extremely lonely and worse than I did when I felt left out. During my sophomore yr one friend/roommate stopped talking to me because of poor choices that she made and so there was always an awkward silence in the room. I can remember one night after having a few too many drinks and no one wanting to walk me to my dorm…I walked to my dorm not really caring about myself and feeling really low. I knew this was not God’s plan for my life. I walked into my dorm room, fell on the floor and begin crying uncontrollably. All of a sudden I began to ask God to forgive me, and in the midst of my dorm room as I was crying on the floor…it felt like God literally put His arms around me. He told me “I never left you Carol, I was always here. I never turned my back on you, you turned yours to me”…I cried more because of His mercy and grace. I realized that even when I was at my lowest and constantly putting him back on the cross, He had never left me nor had He turned His back on me. He was always there waiting for me with open arms.
Before that night I had never really felt God’s presence so real, so tangible. He did not want me to go through what I was putting myself through, yet because He is not a controlling God, He did not treat me like a puppet. And the entire time He was waiting for me to come back.
What an awesome God to want us even after we continually sin and nail Him to the cross again and again. I am so truly thankful for Him showing himself to me that night.
Is there a time in your life where you realized that God was always there? Don’t continue in a life of sin…whatever it may be. Turn around and run back into the arms of a loving and faithful God who is always there. You will be glad you did!